I’ve noticed that I tend to put off writing here when I feel tired or stressed or worried or unsettled. I think it’s that part of me that is still very, very afraid of other people knowing that I am (gasp!) human and therefore, extremely fallible. And then, the fact that I just wrote even that makes me want to hurry up and compulsively press the backspace button because I don’t even want you (whoever you are) to know that I do, in fact, care very much about what other people (you) think of me.
And so, because I am scared of that and bravery is not my forte, as much as I wish I could be as fearless and feisty as this awesome chica, here I sit on my couch, in an effort to acknowledge in a somewhat public forum that I have this terrible tendency to look sideways and get fearful of the amazing people around me realizing that I’m actually just schlepping myself along my life and attempting to look graceful whenever someone might chance to look my direction. I don’t want you all to know I’m a schlepper.
But, in an exercise to face fears and attempt to acquire a semblance of bravery, I’ve decided that maybe learning to talk about my life-schlepping (and why I’m fearful of others seeing how lame I can be sometimes) could actually limit the fear of it and impart me with a little more grace to combat it. Or at least maybe learning to talk about schlepping more openly may help me not freak out quite so much when my pretense of gracefulness shatters, as pretenses are wont to do.
And so, even if no one really ever reads this, the fact that I’m acknowledging that I sometimes crave approval and need people to think I’m awesome in order to think I’m awesome myself (I know it’s not the healthiest mindset–I promise, I’m working on it), is a step forward in a positive direction, I think? I was recently having a conversation with my serious rockstar of an aunt about some health goals that I personally have for myself. In the course of that conversation, I said something about how I want to be a healthy, active, fit person, but I don’t feel like that’s quite a part of who I’ve always been, so I’m not quite there yet. And her response? (Slightly paraphrased, I’ll admit.) “Yes, Lisa, maybe you’re not where you want to be yet. But that doesn’t mean it’s not who you are. Being aware of something and wanting to have a certain trait be a part of your identity are the first steps on the road to becoming.”
And you know what? She’s right. So here I am–fully aware of my weakness and insecurities and wanting to acknowledge them and become more confident in making them strong. Instead of trying to hide them or pretend they don’t exist. And that awareness and desire for improvement…that’s the first step, right?
Maybe one can learn bravery.