The husband is out playing basketball tonight, which means I am at home, alone, with lots of thoughts to keep me company.

I am thinking about a lot tonight.

I’m thinking about how when I got home after a long day at work, I was vulnerable and tired and hungry and a titch sad, and therefore, I ate too many pieces of bacon with supper (breakfast sandwiches on bread that we made last night, but no, I will not say how many pieces of bacon I had) and now I am regretting my emotional eating. Yeah, I have a hard time with willpower when I’m exhausted. So I threw the rest of the bacon in the freezer to save myself from…myself. After all, who wants to eat cold, frozen bacon? I mean, really.

I’m thinking about all of my beautiful, lovely friends who are just now returning from traveling everywhere from eastern Europe and Russia to southeast Asia to Israel and so on and so on. And how happy I am for them that they got to do that. And how it’s kind of amazing that for once in my life, when everyone but me seems to be off having adventures, I am actually starting to feel satisfied with where I am; that I’m feeling less like I’m being left behind and more like my turn will come too to travel the world some more someday, and in the mean time, I’m okay where I am. Even if I don’t really know exactly where that is.

I’m also thinking that in spite of that, I’ve been missing England lately. Missing it hard.

I’m thinking about my little brother serving a mission on Guernsey, and how happy he is, and how joyous serving people all the time is.

I’m thinking about how much better Adam’s Natural Peanut Butter is than any other kind. And how almond milk might just be my new favorite thing. And does this make me a cool person leaning towards granola? No, but I still like natural peanut butter and almond milk a lot.

I’m thinking about how terrible I feel that I missed telling one of my best friends happy birthday a couple days ago. And how she has never missed one of mine. Even when she was living in Russia. And it’s awful to feel like a sucky friend.

I’m thinking about how sometimes I forget about things that I maybe used to be good at, and how I want to recapture a vision I used to have to the person I hope someday to become.

I’m thinking about femininity and divine womanhood and how I’m starting to catch the tiniest piece of a glimpse of what that might look like on a practical basis for me and my life personally. And really searching and hungering for that like I have been for several years? Well, it’s made the catching of that glimpse infinitely more rewarding. And it’s also reminded me again of just how many things you learn in life that can’t be put into words.

I’m thinking about how part of the person I want to become is someone who never represses a kind thought or action. And how I almost stopped myself from doing a kind thing for someone tonight because it was easier not to; and then how glad I was when I was kind after all and it changed the mood of my entire evening.

I’m just thinking.

cloudy english countryside


2 thoughts on “thinking

  1. I love your thoughts. Thanks for sharing. I’m starting to find that contentment that you mentioned too. The not feeling left behind. It feels good. And I think it has to do with the other thoughts that come later. The deciding who you want to be and seeking answers and experience with that. We should have a late night chat about it when I get back!

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